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THE TSFIRA MODEL
THE TSFIRA MODEL: NEW BAGDAD ASSESSMENT

BACKGROUND: The success and instant popularity of the New Bagrut has brought it to the ears of the current administration, who have invited its perpetrators to draft a program to prepare the populace for the New War with Iraq.

The model consists of six modules (A - F) and is divided into 1, 3, 4 and 5 point levels of preparedness as follows:

IN THE EVENT OF ANY IRAQI OFFENSIVE,

A TSFIRA (SIREN)

WILL BE SOUNDED

  1. The one point civil defense preparation consists of module A only: The gas mask. Module A civilians will have one performance task; the performance mask task in which they don the performance task mask. (If this is not clear, go to the section in Bulletin 3 which contains frequently asked task- mask task questions)

  2. The three point preparation consists of modules A, B, and C.

      Module B incorporates module A but includes the filter.

      Module C civilians may unplug the filter and commence A P A (Access to Purified Atmosphere), which in turn consists of IWE (Inhale with Ease) and EWP (Exhale with Pleasure).

      Each module is worth 33.3% of the civilianís ability to continue living at the three point level.

  3. The four point preparation consists of modules B, C, and D. Module B deals with the mask, as above. Module C deals with C-Noon Ha Mayyim, and the Cleaning of the shelter, while module D is for Descent into the Shelter.

  4. The five point preparation consists of modules E and F. Module E requires a Project in which the shelter is sealed off with plastic and tasking mape, that is, masking tape. Module F shall be employed in case of atomic attack only; in which case, there will be no moed bet, and the following steps must be taken:

    1. Sit on the floor or as near to the floor as possible.

    2. Open the tab on your anti-radiation equipment.

    3. Bring your knees up towards your chest

    4. Bend your head forward in the direction of the buttocks.

    5. Kiss your ass good bye



Silverberg, 14/02/03. Happy Nikanor day and enjoy your chocolate.

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