Saddam Games

 

(George Bush is in the oval office with his staff, tensely watching the incoming reports of the war.  The telephone rings:)

Gen. Tommy Franks, Commander of the Mid East Forces: Mr President! Mr President! It’s Tommy!  We found him, sir! The butcher of Baghdad has been apprehended by our troops in the bunker of his Bagdad villa.

Bush: (cowboy whoop) YYEEE-HAAA: (Turns to microphone) My fellow Americans, today our determination has paid off in what-- (telephone rings again) You’ll excuse me:

Gen. Strike, Marine Commander: It’s General Strike reporting, Sir: We’ve got the bastard! He tried to rush his jeep through a roadblock and we nabbed him right away! It’s Saddam, no doubters about it!

Bush ( continues his speech):  Our determination has proved doubly successful as Saddam has been intercepted not once but twice in the same evening. 

Condoleeza:  Sir!  Excuse me! Look at that screen!

Bush:  Not now!  (he looks up anyway at at a screen showing Saddam waving to a frenzied crowd)  Saddarnation!! He’s still out there.  Tommy, send your men to this location.   I don’t care what it takes:  Neutralize that TV station and  bring me that guy! I want Saddam and his doubles for questioning here in Washington within 48 hours! What do you mean they can’t be doubles if there’s three of them?! Just do it!

 

(The next evening: The white house; Three Saddams are chained to chairs; lamps shining into their faces; etc They all look perfectly like their newspaper pictures, although number three occasionally pulls out a small teddy bear and pets it.)

 

Bush: What is your name?:

Saddam Number One: My name is Saddam Hussein.

Saddam Number Two: My name is Saddam Hussein.

Saddam Number Three: My name is Saddam Hussein.

Bush ( in exasperation:) Will the real Saddam Hussein please stand up?!

General Myers (Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, whispers:) They are handcuffed to the chairs, sir.

Bush: Well then  . . . Will the real Saddam Hussein wiggle his mustache!

All three wiggle wildly.

Rumsfeld: This going to be more difficult than we first anticipated, Sir.

Bush: Shut up. I can do this. I grew up on this kind of show.

         (dramatic pause). . . Saddam Number One: Where were you born?

One: In Uja, in 1937.  (Studio applause, as Saddam 1 grins proudly.)

Two: May Allah roast your maternal aunt’s earlobes over a fire of donkey hair.

Three: In Teaneq New Jersey.

Aide: (impressed) That’s fantastic.

Ramsfeld: That’s awesome, sir.  You are starting to penetrate their cover.

 

Bush: What is your first childhood memory of when you were young?

Two: When my mother, may Allah bless her, found out she was pregnant with me, she celebrated by flinging herself out the window onto our rock pile.

Three: Then my father was so grief stricken he jumped out the same window. Of course, it didn’t affect him so much as he landed on her.

 

Bush: Psst! Donald! How do you say the name of his first wife?

Rumsfeld: Sajida KhayrAllah, Sir

Bush: Got it. Saddam Number One, Your first marriage to Chiquita Crayolla was arranged when you were five years old. What was your first reaction when you met her on the night of the wedding:

One: My first reaction. .. . hmm: Well, surprise.  I thought the humps are supposed to be on the back, midway between the ears and the tail.

Two: No problem, most of my partners have been under ten, just this one was alive, that’s all.

Three: At first I was humiliated because hers was bigger; and you know how vain I am about my moustache.

 

Bush:  You’re doing great, really great.  OK. Here comes a biggie.  For $300 and a starter set of Melmac for 12:  What do you get if you re-arrange the letters of the name ”Saddam Hussein?”   Number One?

One: ‘Send Da Sushi’

Bush:  Two?

Two: ‘ He’s a Madd Suni.’

Bush:  Aaaand Three?

Three:  ‘Smash’d undies.’

Bush:  The prize goes to Number Two, however I will send “Smash’d Undies” to Dave Barry; It’s a great name for a rock group.

 

Bush: OK everybody: Now, I’m going to say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head:

ready? OK: Ba’ath

Saddam 1: Blood

Saddam 3: Rubber Duckie

Saddam 2 Blood from the Rubber Duckie, who is really a a Zionist agent and I rip it’s rubber feathers out.  Oooh! Ooooh! Take that!

 

Bush: Just great, guys:   Here’s another One:  Suni:

One:(Sings)   Thank you for the truth you made me see!

Two:(Sings)   Suni!

Three: (Sings) Thank you for the facts, from A to C!

 

Bush: OK, stop that singing!! Now, Saddam Hussein, in 1991 you appeared in public with a woman named Samantha Bookbinder.

Aide: (whispering) That’s Samira Shahbander, sir.

Bush: I just said that. At the time, your wife’s brother Adnan complained that you were staining the honor of his family. One week later, an explosion destroyed Adnan’s helicopter and he was killed instantly. Did you cause his death?

Saddam 2:  Let me put it this way:  I haven’t heard any  more complaints from him.

Saddam1: Adnan had a great honor. He was the first member of my own family that I dismembered. You could say that he took my fratricidal cherry.

Saddam 3: I can’t understand it. Every time the family gets together for the Seder, there’s more and more empty places!

 

Bush: Saddams, why did you have both sons in law executed by a firing squad?

Number 1: I found out that they were sleeping with my daughters.

Number 2: I had a hangnail that morning and the doctor said I should lay off strangling for a week.

Number 3: I wouldn’t want either of my daughters saying I always liked the other one best.

 

Bush: What do these two have in common: Qusai and Udai?

Saddam 3: That‘s an easy one. They both come from Korea and they both have 4-wheel drive.

Bush: Qusai is your son, you Bagdaduffous! Now, think back: Six years ago, there was an attempt on Qusai’s life. In the Baghdad Kasbah, they whisper that you may have been  behind it! Any comment?

Saddam1: Well, spare the bloody rod, eh?

 

Bush: Saddam Number Two:  I’m a hot dog. What would you like to put on me?

Two: Mustard.  Mustard gas!

One: Ketchup, it looks like the blood that I will lick from the mangled body of America.

Three: I don’t really eat a lot of meat. Do you have any Tofu?

 

Bush: Saddam Hussein: In 1991, you invaded Kuwait, my old man blasted you back to the Plasticne age, and you retaliated by launching 68 Scud missiles at Israel – which had nothing whatever to do with the conflict. Why?

Three:  Scud Missiles! –  N- o –o-o –t!!  They told me they were ground-to- ground Rosh Hashona greeting cards!

One: It just felt right at the time.

Two: Jews are like family to me. Like my brother in law, like my sons in law. I want to see them cut up into little pieces and scream for mercy.

Bush: Well, it’s your lucky day. Your wish is about to be granted.. You have just won this burlap bag. Under the covers are two undercover Mossad agents, courtesy of the Peres Peace Foundation. Now you can keep the bag -- or -- trade it for what’s inside this sealed room !!

Condoleesa and Powell: The  room!  The room!

Saddam 2 I’ll take the room!

Bush: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! What a shame. You just won 500 copies of ‘A Guide to Nitelife in Kuwait. This just isn’t your day!

Saddam 2 mumble mumble camel’s uterus mumble mumble grandmother once removed mumble

 

Bush: OK!! OK!! Butcher Number One: Do you or do you not have a stockpile of chemical weapons.

Butcher Number One: You keep asking me that and the answer is still no. I’m just a simple guy who grew up herding the goats. I wouldn’t know from a chemical weapon if it bit me from behind in the Shuk, whereupon I’d have to shoot myself in the butt with atropine, or suffer result in an immediate blockage of acetyl – cholinesterase in the nerve synapses, producing instant dehydration and spine-cracking convulsions.

 Never heard of the stuff.

Bush: Thank you. Butcher—

One : . . . and my moustache would peel off.

 

Bush: Yes. Now, Butcher Number Two: Are you concealing any vats of anthrax?

Two: Oh, Great Satan: Are you out of date! Anthrax – that’s just a sideline. I used it on Adnan’s sheep when I invited him over for shishlik!  We’re way beyond anthrax. You’ve heard of AIDS? Those monkeys first caught it from my ex- finance minister Yussif in ’79. But we’ve come up with something even better: Diplomatic AIDES! It causes degenerative reluctance to honor commitments, aggravated by gaulling hypocrisy, resulting in total loss of principles and surrender! 

Bush:  Sounds really nasty!

Two:   It is really nasty!  And it’s spread by profligate flattery of people you despise for monetary and political motives.

Powell: I think he means kissing ass, sir.

Rumsfeld: No wonder that the epidemic is most widespread in France and Germany.

(All Saddams  get the giggles).  

 

Bush: Guards! Release the restraints, please. Now, will the real Saddam Hussein please stand up?

(All 3 contestants rise)

Powell: Well, George, they’ve certainly made it tough for us . How will we ever know who is the real Saddam?

Bush: It’s as simple as sliding down an oil slick:  Number Three, you are obviously Mike Meyers; Get the heck out of here, they need you for “The Return Of Shreck”.

(Meyers: W-a-a-a-a-a-a-yyyyy!)

Bush: As for the rest of you:  You have met your parlezvous with destiny. (Grabbing an M-16 off the nearest guard and releasing the safety)  Who is the real Saddam?  What difference does it make?

 

 

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Barry, the man behind the gas mask, Post Purim, 20 03, 2003 Why am I repeating myself?


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