A Quick Look At the News, March 15 Feb 15: Vallium II


By Barry V Silverberg Grammatical Advisor: Dick Duck

Culinary Assistance: Ehud Marrak


Dear Readers,

The following comments are inspired by authentic passages from authentic newspaper. Unfortunately, the world in which we live is not authentic at all; in fact, the Zohar teaches us that it is just a corridor which we must cross within the short span of our lives, armed with nothing but a floor polisher and a bottle of Pledge.


Before embarking on this months column, Id just like to thank those of you who send me letters, jokes or obscene cartoons (Yes, Bat Sheva, I mean you) and forget to hide away all their other friends in the BCC space. So I now have several hundred more names of people I can flood with material that I cant publish anywhere else.


Maariv, March 14, page 17; This page opens up with the mildly funny piece about two dueling Mexicans who managed to kill each other at the same time. Im sure I saw this once in a Bugs Bunny Cartoon. What it means is that this page is going to be a doozy. And it is!

Most of the page is taken up with Dr. Suess in Hollywood, with a big colour photo of the Cat posing with Thing One and Thing Two. Now, look over on the left: By sheer co-incidence wedged in there immediately adjacent to the Seuss (Hebrew for horse) article, is a charming item about a gentleman in Utrecht who was arrested for performing the erm carnal act with, you guessed it: A Seuss. I quote herein the prosecuting attorney: We saw no signs of violence or coercion on the pony, therefore we found no charge that we could press against him (translation mine/ BVS). What are they implying? That this was relations with a consenting adult pony? Nay or Yay? Those of you who were raised on I would not could not, on a boat. I will not, shall not with a goat, now know what he would and could, and dould.


STICKING IT TO THE PRESIDENT: Britishers who apparently have an ugly habit of spitting their Chewing gum onto the ground ** are now being offered an incentive to be more civilized. Picures of George Bush are put up on public walls, with the assumption that gum chewers will automatically stick it to George. . .This has given me some great ideas about what we could do in Israel about the cigarette butts and dog turds that festoon our streets and sidewalks.


MAZZAL TOV: To the couple in the Viagra ads: You know, that good looking pair that are always posing in their underwear. For quite some weeks now, my morning Maariv has featured a half page picture of them; shes mostly under the blankets and shes like, Again you forgot to let the dog out! Really reproachful, and hes sitting on the bed with his back to her and his head down, What can he say? Theres nothing to say, schmuck!

But as of last week, they are both glowing. Holding hands, smiling, positive eye contact, the works. Something good has obviously happened. Their kid finished his English project, they found a good mouthwash, I dunno. Keep it up, kids.

** Is this what they mean by English expectorate?


Fri Feb 2 Maariv and local Kiriat Shmona Weeklies: Plans are underway to reconstruct the Beis Hamikdash. Why is this newsworthy you ask? Harrey (thats Aramaic for After all,) we Jews have been praying to have the Beit Hamikdash reconstructed for 2002 years and thats without time off for holidays! Why are these plans different than any other plans?

Because A: the contractors have already been hired, and B : The holy walls wont be going up in Jeru this time, but in --brace yourselves -- in scenic Kiriat Shmona, no less, just drive past the mall and hook a right.

The kids are already singing, Yibbaneh, Yibaneh , Yibaneh Hamikdash be Ka.Sh

, , "!!



YOU CAN ADD IDEAS TO THIS LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 : Ten reasons why having a Beit Hamikdash in Kiriat Shmona is a good idea:

1 Ill be able to run over, catch a priestly blessing and  get back before the long break is over. 
2 Ive made enough sacrifices to live in this place; now Ill have someplace to put them.  
3 Property values are going to soar.
4 I wont have to beg the family to come to us for the holidays for a change.
5 I dont have to buy a new  car, for the old one will soon return to life.
________________________your idea here____________________	
Ten reasons why having a Beit Hamikdash in Kiriat Shmona is a terrible idea:
	Its been done (see Kings II)
	Someones going to build a mosque over the Tennis Center.	
	Everytime I get in the shower, Ill feel the eyes of the whole Jewish people looking my way.
            Ill never find a place to park again.
________________________your idea here____________________


Speaking of the holy temple reminds me of my first days in a religious school. This was years back, and I had just been tossed out of High VeGay Regional School for weighing anchors around pupils as they floated down the stream during my classes. I got a job at the local Dattee school, and on the first day, as I addressed the class, I leaned back against the teachers desk.


You cant sit on the desk, piped up a spotty 8th grader in a sanctimonious tone.


Why not? I ask?


Because the classroom is our Beit Hamikdash and the teachers desk is the Mizbay-ah (=Altar) comes the smug reply.


Well, dont worry. I snap, my butt is the Korban Pesach.


Barry Silverberg, Kiriat Shmona, March 15, 2004