Indirect Article Number Sixty Seven, Nov 8, ’04, Kiriat 8
Do not use after: 21.5.2008
/By Barry Silverberg
Let me start by asking two questions:
In 1995, a five point Bagrut pupil takes an evening off from committing her cue cards to heart, and goes jogging in the Kiriat Ono vicinity. As she passes the huge hill of the local weed infested garbage dump, she hears muffled booming and bravely goes to investigate. Five lines into the narrative, we readers are intimate enough with the protagonist to know her name, which is Lilach, and Lilach, well, she sees over the rise of the hill over the scruffy Castor oil plants and daturas and God knows what other plants my friends buried there when they went back to America in ’81, a group of stooped stunted women wearing these jackets and boots that are so o o 1830’s, and they are. . .what are they doing anyway? is it some sort of game? One holds a heavy object flattened top and bottom, and she swishes it and releases it onto a smooth patch of ground, while the others run ahead, with brooms and sweep the playing field smooth as ice to make the heavy thing glide faster. Well, they see Lilach, and, after some argument, invite her into the game. After a few hours of ‘curlin’ as they call it, they are all sweated up and pop open a case of bottles of a bubbly mauve liquid. . .
WE HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR ACCESS TO WRITTEN TEXTS TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE FOLLOWING BULLETIN. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR BIFOCALS. . .
THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS WILL ASSESS THIS TEXT ACCORDING TO THE NEW METHODOLOGY:
1. GIVEN HER ALACRITY IN THE GAME OF CURLING, LILACH IS _________ TALL AND WEIGHS ________.
2. THE BAR-ILAN /KIRIAT ONO AREA IS SURROUNDED BY WILD PSYCHOSIS INDUCING SHRUBBERY. ONE RESULT OF THIS HAS BEEN ____________
3. THE TONE OF THIS STORY IS
A. PERSPICACIOUS B EFFICACIOUS
C. MENDACIOUS D. PRESUMPTUOUS
CHOOSE ONE SMALL BILL FROM YOUR WALLET WHICH SUBSTANTIATES YOUR CLAIM, and paste it into the exam.
4. The mauve drink in the story is taken from an actual soft drink manufactured eons ago by a Jewish businessman in Winnipeg, who now has a son teaching English in Israel. What is the name of the drink?
YOU MAY RESUME READING.
Aw, you know the ending: Lilach finds herself alone and freezing on the ground at four in the morning with the Teymanim over the hill cackling their way along to Minyan. . .Except there’s no garbage dump; it’s a huge walled earthwork with huge signs saying “Kvish Shesh” and where she always picked oranges there is a sky scraper and a technological highschool.
Lilach makes her way back to her student apartment to find it surrounded by semi attached mansions and executive jeeps. Nobody recognizes her except her old landlady, who demands a rent that has expanded geometrically, as have the warts on her face.
The question is, can she still do the old format?
That’s my first question. Of course by now, I have no idea what my second question was. I am recovering from a stomach virus that has cut its swathe right thru the entire teaching staff of our school. . . I finally got out (more accurately, off) of the bathroom last 3 AM after a 48 hour sit in, and was drafted mid-Shacharit to do a full day of subbing on my ‘free day.’ . . . The highlight of which was this wonderful Blooper: I walked into a class – a Yud on the back benchmarks --and asked what they were ‘up to’ in English; they replied: Teenagers and their problems. OK, girls, take one problem you learned about and present it on this here 60X50 size card: So one chose drugs, another, peer pressure, so far so good. Finally one young lady wanted to deal with the horrible predicament of when your parents embrace you in front of the whole town, and she proudly waved the following:
An injunction which I was not about to refute, certainly not in a religious girls’ school.
I’ve got it! Yesh Li Yesh Li!
My other question, is why can’t I call up the lyrics to the song “Danger Man” by David Bromberg, which would go perfectly with Unit 3 of Hi Five, as you know if you have the (mixed) privilege of using the book.
My other other question is, I still don’t know how to turn the sub directory for my class files into an icon on the main window. I used to know that.( Windows 98). Also, I have one of these mouses that if you rub it right it zooms in and out of your screen, but I can’t control it and it suddenly zooms instead of scrolling.
Instead of David Bromberg, I’m going to send you the first part of a song by Christine Lavin called “Shopping Cart of Love.” This song goes on about some miskeit’s adventures for about 10 pages, of which I could only get the first one from Google, so I still don’t have a song for tomorrow. On the other hand, dearest readers, I have just filled up several pages of blather for you to read without getting up even once. Come to think of it, this is a lot like what last night was like. /Barry
a song by Christine Lavin called “Shopping Cart of Love. ACT ONE (Googleing , cutting and pasting by B. V. Silverberg I)
The note said "Darling...
I hate to tell you this way,
But I've run off with your Roommate,
Signed - Your Fiancee".
I sat down and cried.
What else could I do?
That's when I noticed that my CarKeys were missing to,
And so was my favorite sweater,
And my TV
And My Stereo!
My whole life crumbled before my eyes.
Where was I to go?
I ran to the Supermarket
In a blinding rage
Craving foods I have not touched since I was
Twelve years of age.
'Cuz not only did my man run out today
My boss let me go
I have been depressed before
But never quite this low
Yes I guess I've been depressed
But ever this low? NO!
And I ran up and down the aisles of the supermarket
crying and shaking and pulling things off the shelves
based solely on their carbohydrate, calorie and cholesterol count.
I didn't go overboard.
Just enough to get me through the night.
So I threw my purchases down on the conveyer belt
They rolled up to the checkout girl
She looked at them
She looked at me
and she said...
Hey Lady can't you read?
The sign here says express.
I'll check you out if you have got
Ten items or less.
But you've got
2 4 6 8 9 10 11 12 13 things right here
If you want me to check you through
Put three things back my dear.
Well NO! I said defiantly
Trying not to shake
Then she said "Sweetheart, you don't need those
Hostess Twinkies, You don't need that Coffee Cake
And why those Famous Amos cookies
Let me tell you they're grossly overpriced
Put three things back
Those are the rules
I'm asking you real nice". But I just couldn't