KKNEAGHSSET APPROVES FIVE-HOUR SCHOOL WEEK
Haaretz HaMove Tachat, Kisslev 32, 2008
By Barry Silverberg

(loosely adapted from a real article in the real Ha’aretz by mixing it up with a basket of straw and running it through a pet donkey)

The Knesssset Education Commmmittteeeee approved regulations allowing a five-hour school week yesterday.

In a series of steps to further streamline the Educational system, the school week was cut back once again. “With only two subjects left on the Bagrut (English and American) it is a serious drain on the taxpayer to have them just sitting there for nothing,” said committed chairman Roneat Tirass According to the regulations, schools may seek and get approval from their local authorities for the transition from the two day week that has been in effect for the past four months to the new, highly economical 5 hour week. This can be done by either waiting outside his office until hell freezes over or by simply offering a modest donation to an appropriate charity like his wife’s tennis diploma or furniture research. In some cases, a crate of bananas may be enough to put your Deputy Mayor in an ameliorative mood.

The new rules will take effect immediately, so that if you get an OK by Sunday 1:00 PM, you can take the rest of the day off and spend the week resting up.

DOV-RATIONALE:

In 2005, the Dove-rat Committee achieved the following:

I.i: Implementation of a 5 day work week for teachers.

I.i. Insertion of 2 extra letters in the spelling of all Government ministries. These letters are to remain silent, like ‘b’ in lamb, limb, and bribe, or ‘gh’ in taught, fought and bought, (as in: a good politician is one who stays, A: taught, B: fought, and C: bought. *) Each silent letter stands for the number, in billions of shekels, shaved off teachers’ celeries** with the implementation of these reforms. As part of the revamped system, knesset committees will be allotted quadruple lettering wherever doubles are used today.

By May, 2006 results were impressive: The work week was down to three 8-hour days. Teenage road fatalities had skyrocketed, skyrocket fatalities had mushroomed, mushrooms had been swallowed up by idle teenagers and the literacy rate had climbed to a level which rivaled even those of Paraguay and the Sudan.

Next year, if the Dove-rat Committee recommendations are accepted in full, the transition to the five-hour school week will gradually begin to be adopted, or maybe adapted throughout the school system. There are already 17 schools that have asked permossion from the Education Ministry to move to a five-hour week. If we pustulate that this is a saving of eleven hours per school, we may conclude that . . . 17 times 11. . . or is that 11 times 17? Well whatever. Where are those bananas, anyway? . . . It means that the government has a lot more money offer all them Ashkelonians left newly homeless by January’s population withdrawal.

Furthermore, government ministries will be allowed to add up to three more silent letters to the ministry’s stationery and door signs, and another 400cc to the engine capacity of their SUV’s. In the event of police investigation into alleged criminal activities, said letters will aid said ministers to remain silent.

The two teachers onions are vehemently opposed to the plan, as are the national parents association****. Ran Meover, Feargoon Hammorim Chairman complains: “The fear is that with the switch to the five-hour week, students from poorer areas will be left to wander the streets when not in school.”

Educaytion Mini-store Liemore Livnot is ready for these wild attacks. “These children wander the streets even when they are in school. Our streets are our pride! Look ah Highway Six!! Wasn’t it Bruce Spreengstein who once said, “when I’m out on the streets,” and here I stress the word OUT, “… uh uh uh uh uh! I walk the way I wanna walk.” There’s a lotta money to be made on the streets, and these boys and girls will now have a chance to claim some of it for their own. Their families need their support, especially if their parents are teachers now laid off by the new system.“ ***

The father of the entire program, Businessman Emeritus Shlomo Deadrat hisself, has this to say about the guiding finger in the behind of his dream: There was once a farmer who had a donkey. The donkey ate ten bushels of straw every week, which the farmer felt was a terrible waste. Let me see what happens if I feed the donkey only nine bushels a week. The donkey immediately complained to “Irgun Hammorim”

(Non Hebrew speakers please note: Irgun Hammorim means the Teachers’ Union,from ‘irgun’ =an organization and ‘morim’ teachers. Unfortunately ‘hamorim’ means donkeys, so the name also sounds like “Donkey Union” or simply, “ASSociation.” This is a pun. Hee Hee. Haw Haw. I realize that, having promised to stick all the Hebrew-based puns at the end of the article, I have now renegnegneged on my promise. Maybe I, too, can become Prime Minister. At any rate, you don’t have to worry if your Hebrew isn’t good enough to follow the word plays. Under the new system, none of tomorrow’s pupils will know Hebrew either.)

Anyway, the farmer was soon able to pick up the donkey in his arms, and, every week, the donkey got lighter and the farmer slowly recovered from a hernia. We all know the end of the story: The donkey still manages to pass the English Bagrut (though not five points), and the Farmer’s Arms becomes a pub notorious for dispensing alcohol to minors. And that, my friends sums up the future of Education in Israel today.

/By Barry Silverberg Research Assistant: Lois Pakti

Riter in Wresidence Religious Advisor: Rabbi/Mohel Dick Hurtz

Financial Advisor: Rafael Tickets

ANNOYING LITTLE REMARKS AND ANY JOKES BASED ON HEBREW/ENGLISH PUNS ARE HEREBY RELEGATED TO THIS PART OF THE ARTICLE

*C is correct. Very good. With test results like these, it became clear that the system was working.

** All mean calculations of teacher’s celeries was based computer anal ysis of a huge Karpass of data.

***After all, added Minister Lovenot, why do you think their called Noar Shulayim in the first place?

**** Appropriately called Ear-gone Whorrim

N. B. For those of you who think I just make this up, mosey on to this page, and see for yourself how tooth is stranger than friction.

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/pages/QA.jhtml?qaNo=111

AND, LETTERS OF RESPONSE TO THIS ARTICLE ARE ALREADY

POURING IN: HERE IS ONE NOW:

Dear Barry,

Am I to understand that you ground out three whole pages without using the terms ‘NBA’ or ‘ARAFAT?’

Stan Sha-alti, Sdeh Withmebaby

Dear Sdeh-stan,

We had a real field day with your name, haw haw. Tell me, please, why do you hink the NBA killed Yasser Arafat?