DON’T ASK ME ANY MORE !!!
CONTINUING TO GUIDE THE PERPLEXED ENGLISH TEACHERS
I’VE just returned from a pow wow in Nazeret Elite with the Chief Inspector, who held a meeting today with the Teachers of the North, and I’m HOT! So before all the tidbits of knowledge which I gleaned fall thru the sluices of my short term memory, let me at some of your FAQ-Ing Questions. ( = Frequently Asked Questions of the Inglish Curriculum)
As the Inspector has openly declared her intention not to answer any more questions that you can easily look up in the Booklet, I am now your only authority on the NC – i.e. The New Curriculum ( which is now called just the ‘Curriculum,’ or “C”) and the NBA – i.e. The New Bagrut Assessment (which is now called just the ‘Bagrut Assessment’ or “BA!!” EEEK! Sorry, you startled me!)
…. …. …. The first question, please?
Q: How do you get to the meeting? / Ann O. Nimus, Tel Nobbuddi
A: Dear Annie, You do like I done, and you’ll be alright. (Miller, Arthur and Monroe, Marilynn, All My Sons, Somewhere in Act I). Following instructions, you drive into Nazeret Illit, by turning left where the sign says Nazeret Ellit. Except that you’re really supposed to go straight for another five kilometers. So when you ask a taxi driver for the Payis Centre, he directs you to another Pius Centre in the Nazeret area, about ten Kilometers off course. You can see a dapper looking school –type building adjacent to the center, only about 50 feet of stairs above it, so you ask that normal looking Nazeret female person, “ Is that the Alon School” As all Nazeret citizens are New Immigrants, you ask the question several times, in varying tones and registers. She swears on Stalin’s grave that it is the
, so up you go, trudge, trudge trudge, only to find that it hasn’t been used as a school in 15 years. You discern a faint backround noise of giggling in Russian. You are now half an hour late. By time you get to the real place, Judy Steiner is already well into the fourth module, and all the bourekas, if there were any, are gone. Alon School
Q: I have a lot of questions about the new programme, and I don’t give rat’s rubric how frequently they are asked: My appeals to the inspector were re-routed to the booklet, but I have a problem. As a dyslexic teacher, I have ‘Hata-Moat’ which exempt me from reading booklets. So under the circumstances, is there anyone I can call?
A: The inspectorate has provided a system for handling incoming requests. For Module A, please dial 5. For Module B, please Dial 1, For module C, please dial 4. For module F, dial a prayer. And so on.
Q: So, how can I get to the Chief Inspector?
A: Make some snide remarks about the NBA.
Q: What greeting does one say when encountering a pupil on his/her way to do only one exam, either Mo’ed Alef or Bet. Can I still wish he she or it “Moadim Le’simha” – even though only one ‘Mo’ed’ is invloved, technically speaking? /Edgar Alan Poe-Lite, Kiriat Oyveh.
A: Most authorities say go with “Moadim LeSimha.” However, both the Sfatt Emmet Field and the Paul Klee Yakkar recommend keeping a distance from any pupil on exam day, as most of them are furious about their ‘Magen’ grades and you’re liable to end up with a Quicktionary up your left nostril, from where removal is tricky, technically speaking .
Q: I have a pupil who doesn’t function at all in English unless he has a bowl of fruits and nuts in front of him. / Offer Sake, Kiriat Mishmish
A: First check if your not trying to teach a squirrel. (Hint: Is there a bushy tail sprouting out of his tush?) If not, this is probably a ‘Ba’ayat Cashew Ve Tapooz,’ and must be treated by a professional.
Q: Out of 68 bagrut applicants in this year’s class, 74 of them have registered for the MOOTAM. Tell me, please, what is the MOOTAM?
/ Raquazze Mc’tsoah
A: The MOOTAM began as a special assessment for a pupil with severe disabilities. However, as tens of thousands of more economically favored families buy their “Hatamot” from Psychologists on the beaches of Tel Baruch , it has turned into a circus in which each pupil is equipped with a quicktionary, a chair and a whip and the teachers play the clowns.
Q: What can I do to remedy this impossible situation.
A: The Inspector said today ( and I’m not making this up – Barry. ) That a professional English co-ordinator should get on the School Pedagogical Committee
and oppose giving the dispensations to pupils who, in her opinion, do not need them.
Q: I've tried and I’ve tried, but I just can’t get ‘into’ the New Bagrut manual. / F. Ort, Give’at Maamatz
A: Could you rephrase that as a question?
Q: What is this, the modified role play?
A: No, I’m just naturally an arrogant, pedantic, flaming idiot.
Q: So, what about making the booklet more accessible?
A: We’re in the process of handing over the whole subject of changes in the bagrut to the Playboy Channel screenwriters. . .
A: It’s still pretty hush hush, but on the first page a 20 year old Professor of Linguistics comes out wearing nothing but a dipthong and a couple of vowel clusters..
Q: Sounds wild so far. What else?
A: The title: They’re calling it: “Taking off your Cloze. ”
Q: What about Mock Bagrut Exams? / Zehava Naxident
A: Considering the strained relations between all parties involved, it is unwise for any teacher to Mock Bagrut Exams.
Q: Latest studies show that the achievement gap between the Jewish children and the Arab children has narrowed. Do you find this development encouraging? /Shem Badooi, Kfar Nistarr
A: Any narrowing of gaps is due more to the tireless efforts of Israeli orthodontists, who have built huge villas and bought small aircraft since the first tests were done, than to English teachers.
Q: Do you see any solution to the conflict?
A: Certainly. On the plane of Second Language Acquisition, we have no choice but to intervene physically; As we speak, the Prime Minister is drawing up plans to raise the Lexical Threshhold between the two sectors to a height of 3.5 meters.
Q: Is there any significance to the names, Module A, Module B,
Module C ….? / Minna Stam, Kiriyat OhNo.
A: You can bet your sweet benchmarks there is!!
Module A comes from, “Ayzeh Daffook anee be’Angleet”,
or maybe from the Canadian, What do all those words mean, eh?”
Module B is “Better than A, but still Battatta.”
Module C stands for “ Cloom lo mevin ba mivhan hazeh”
Module D means, “Daffaktee arba Modulim Cvar!
Module E “EE efshar lihaveen Ma Hem Rotsim Mimennee
Module F ‘F. shar lihaveen Ma Hem Rotsim, Aval E. F. Shar La’anot!
Module G ‘Gadol, anee Pashoot Gadol!
However, Module G is better known by its Hebrew name,
Module Zayyin: which means Zeh Mah shenishbarr Li!
WE DEEPLY REGRET THE UNTIMELY PASSING OF
THE BELOVED HEAD OF OUR ENGLISH STAFF
RAQUAZZE MC’TSOAH æ"ì
WHO, ACTING UPON THE ADVICE
OF THE CHIEF INSPECTOR OF ENGLISH,
REFUSED TO ACCEPT THE ‘HAATAMOT ‘
OF 46 PUPILS WHO ‘DIDN’T REALLY NEED THEM.’
OUT OF RESPECT TO THE DECEASED, THE CASKET SHALL REMAIN CLOSED, AFTER WHAT THOSE KIDS, THEIR PARENTS, THEIR LAWYERS AND THEIR ROTWEILERS AND PIRHANA FISH
THE STAFF OF TIHONI HAMIAGEL LIMA’ALA HIGHSCHOOL
Respectfully Yours, Barry Silverberg, Kiriat Shmona, March 2004