DON’T ASK!!!

A GUIDE TO PERPLEXED ENGLISH TEACHERS

FAKS **  ABOUT THE NS, THE NBA AND THE NJJS:

 

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Q:  I’ve been wondering, who will benefit more from the New Curriculum and the New Bagrut Assessment, the students or the teachers?

                                                /Steve E Wonder

A:  Dear Steve,

 The Book Publishers.  Raanana is about to have its name changed to Rammat ECB, while in Tel Aviv, the Azrieli Tower will henceforth be called the Look UPP Tower. 

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Q  I am an English teacher but I’ve  been on extended sabbatical for the past five years.  I understand there are a few changes being implemented in the English Bagrut system.  Could you please explain them to me in 25 words or less?  I have something on the fire.

                                                Rip Van Finkle

A    Dear Rip,

                         I hope it’s your teaching license.  

 

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 Q   Our principal has informed me that a project of REMEDIAL TEACHING TOWARDS THE BAGRUT will be implemented in our school.   What is the difference between Remedial teaching and regular teaching:?

                                                            Stan Sha’alti

A:  Dear Stan,

            Simple:  Remedial no longer contains  Module B1.

                                                                   / Barry Barry

 

Q    Lately the property values of our school, as well as the Bagrut scores,   are dropping due to the presence of large, messy, carrion- eating birds.    My question is, if I want to use this subject for a project, which domain of the New Curriculum might I find the appropriate benchmarks? (out. . .under)

                                                /Guanna Find Out

A:  Dear Ms Out,

            You might try ‘Depreciation of Language,  Litter, and Vulture.’  And could you please not leave your prepositions lying about? 

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Q:  Oh, are those my prepostions? 

A:  You betcha.

Q:  I’ll pick them right away.  up.

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Q    I’m really embarrassed to be asking this after so many years, but what exactly is a BENCHMARK?

                                                            Judi X.

A:  This stays between us, right?  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, really knows what a benchmark is.

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**  FAKS: =  FREQUENTLY ASKED KLOTS-KASSHES

Q  Hi all!   I am having a problem with the mail I get from Ask ETNI. Whenever I get a  letter from there I get the greeting and maybe the first couple of words of  the letter and then the word ...snip... and the rest of the letter is gone.  Can anyone tell me how I can rid myself of this problem which is extremely  frustrating?    Thanks in advance for any help with this problem.    Avlynne
 

A   Dear Avlynne,

No problem! Just click on
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Q: I am teaching THE XXXX (NAME OF BOOK ERASED BY REQUEST)  for a 7th grade dovrie Anglit at a yeshiva tichonit  XXXX  (NAME OF SCHOOL WITHHELD BY REQUEST. Some of the boys complained to the their Ramim about (CHAPTER NUMBER ERASED BY REQUEST) which deals with xxxx’s  (NAME OF CHARACTER WITHHELD BY REQUEST)  sexual awareness.  The  Ramim decided that the book was inappropriate for  the yeshiva. The principle decided that it was appropriate but that I should have the students rip out the pages that are question- able. NONE OF THIS WAS  DECIDED IN CONSULTATION WITH ME.    I am seeking experienced advice.  I want to make a professional, not emotional decision.

            Thanks,    

                        YYYYYYY        (name of teacher withheld by request)

 

Dear Simon Shtokk of Kiriat Hetsii,

            First of all, take a deep breath and relax. This episode has upset you very much, which I can tell by your general tone and the way you confuse  your principals with your principles .  Here is some experienced advice:

            First of all, what are RAMIM, anyway?

            Secondly,  you made the first classic mistake of an inexperienced teacher , which is, obviously, not to trust your own torani good sense and tear out the pages yourself  in order to  sell them to the senior staff members after minha. Instead of outrage, you will receive the esteem and gratitude of your school staff.  

P.s. and how bout a copy for me too? I've never taught 'the xxxxxx.'

Thirdly, never, under any circumstance let a pupil rip out pages of his own book .  After one page, he gets hooked and is unable to stop, and soon the whole classroom looks like the customs scene from ‘A Night at the Opera.' I actually saw this happen in Winnipeg when I was in Grade five and the Board of education made us rip out most of Sefer Vayyikra as being anti- Canadian.  Baynaynu, you're not the first one this has happened to. Many's the time I’ve had to alter  'All My Sons'  so that  Chris reveals his passion for Annie by kissing the mezuzah at the entrance to the Keller home.

 

Sincerely,

HA RAV HA GAON HAMEHUNAN VEHAMEZUMAN,

BARRY 'BLEE' SHLEETA’ SILVERBERG

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Q         I just read that the Chief Math Inspector sent out the guidelines for the New Math Assessment and Development Bagrut (MAD-BAG) and promptly resigned.  Where is she?  My daughter just spent two months --and $1000--  preparing for a unit which has now been taken off the exam.  She would very much like to meet with her, a few friends and a chainsaw.  Where can she be found?                            / Al J Bra

 

A   Dear Al,        She was last seen in Geneva, helping draft the Agreement.

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Q:  If a five point pupil takes a two point test

And a four point pupil takes a three point test

And  The four point pupil on the three point test

gets four  points more points

 than the five point pupil on the two point test

— How many points do they have all together?    

 

A:  All their points, and yours,  will be taken up by the ex-mathematics Chief Inspector, who has just left Be’er Sheva on a train travelling incognito at 80 km per hour,  while, at the same time, the Chief Inspector for English leaves Tel Aviv on a train travelling south at 95 km per hour.  At what points will they meet?   (Hint:  At the Be’er Yaakov junction, a gang of Irgun Morim  desperados is waiting to hold them up  Ir-gunpoint. )

 

 

Q:  I’ve been getting a lot of E-Mail about increasing the Proficiency Level of my Performance Tasks .  Which Bagrut Module do they refer to?

                                                                        / Spam I am.

A: Dear Spam,  Those aren’t Inspector’s  Bulletins.  Those are Ads for Viagra.

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Q: One of my tenth graders would like to complete her bagrut and do ‘Me’huyavut I-shit.  Tell me, please,  What is Me’huyavut I-shit?

 

A:  It’s a  semi-formal request meaning ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’

 

Q:  And that reminds me, what, in the Holy name of God, is a Semi Formal Letter?  It’s just something they made up last June, right?  

O.                                                                              Contrare

 

A:  Au contrare, O contrare!  A semi formal letter oscillates in style between the more formal and less formal.   For example,

To My Husband,

Mr Sammy Bourekas,

Sir:  It has come to the attention of this writer that you were observed engaging in osculatory activity with that pustema down the block.  Moreover, it is my firm belief that on our next meeting, your face will be knocked into the middle of last December.

              Sincerely,

                  Your loving wife,

                  Molly

The above letter, written by Molly for Sammy, must be responded to  by a ‘Miktav Sammy for Molly.’

Barry V Silverberg/  Kiriat Shmonah/     November 24, 2004